Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Coming to an end...

The summer break is coming to an end and my heart is heavy, oh so heavy. Its been a time of huge highs and quite deep lows. My children have given beautiful joy and light into my world at every turn. How lucky I have been to have such a special friend who has allowed my little family the use of their beach retreat for the whole of the holidays. It was the most painful loss to me when through my divorce the children lost their much loved caravan by the sea. Its not the caravan that we morn, it was the way of life, their friends, safety, confidence, fun and of course beach time all centered around this place and for my youngest it was all he had known. Of all the loss this was the hardest because I am reminded of it daily as my children struggle to comprehend why it went. Their loss was eased by a new place, a new beach to discover and new friends to make. Indeed, it has been a fabulous summer for them with lots of new and exciting things experienced and of course some very crucial down time, or as my children say 'Chillax time'.
I drove home for the day and as I battled my way through rain, traffic, motorways and then once home I headed off to the local supermarket I felt my stress levels heighten. With the boys out on playdates I stole a moment whilst I battled through the pile of washing and gave this emotion some thought, literally whilst sat on the kitchen floor folding laundry. I have just spent seven weeks on an island, living with the basics and in a small space, my garden has been a field and my horizon has been the sea, eating outdoors most meal times, shopping for food in local stores, making small talk with locals, driving around country roads which involved lots of reversing if on the odd time you meet another car! Not wearing a watch and listening to my own body clock, my natural rhythm, for the first time in three years I have slept through the night without waking to my head whirling through things I have done and yet to do. I have been a better mother, laughing instead of crying and once again I have seen the beauty in all the things around me. I laughed as my new hand cream did indeed make me feel happier... the small things that when rushing at living you just don't notice. Yes seven weeks of bliss, making new friends and rediscovering that my creativity was stirring in me again with pleasure.
So then I return and I look at my life, my home which know feels soulless, worrying about the future, with the bill of the divorce to pay I am now unable to meet the payment for my college course yet alone pay for the washing machine which has finally given up the battle to keep going.
So many things to think about and my eldest son points out that the changes in me by coming home. Is this really the place I want to be in, surrounded by the painful memories of my old life.
To big a question to deal with just know... so with five days left of the holidays before the new school year starts and the clock watching begins I have arranged a friend of look after the house and the boys, our pup, the guinea pig and me are packing off to our island life again...
You cant beat a little escapism...


10 comments:

periwinkle said...

It sounds like in your heart of hearts you know what you want to do and where you should be but once again , as with most of us, it's all down to money :-(

Tracy said...

Ah, a little escape does do some wonders for the soul & spirit. But I am sorry you have many burdens & tough decisions mulling around now after a lovely holiday. Listen to your heart for the answers, it never fails. :o) GORGEOUS photos...*swoon*... Thanks so much for visiting me at my new blog. As you saw--new, rather big projects taking up the days in a happy way. Wishing you all the best, always. I'll stop back soon ((HUGS))

♥coco rose♥ said...

What a beautiful heartfelt post. It's so very hard to come away from somewhere where you feel so calm back to somewhere where you are filled with anguish. It's so hard, like periwinkle says, that it all comes down to money. It's hard when your heart yearns to be somewhere, but for financial and schooling reasons, you just can't up sticks and leave. I am restless. I don't want to be where I am. I want a simpler life and one by the sea. It is impossible for us to go anywhere being tied geographically to jobs and schooling, but I feel life slipping away and don't want to hit 60 and realise I had spent 20 years wasting life.

Enjoy your break away again, take every opportunity before the term starts again!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

clare's craftroom said...

All the very , very best to you . Wishing you and your family many more escapes !

Debby said...

Hi there Dottie. I have missed you. It sounds like you have had such a wonderful summer. I am sorry it is coming to an end. SO glad you can go another time. Sounds like you want to make more changes. Is that a possibilty. I hope so. I hope it all works out. It is so sad that when we want to live a simplier life money is still an issue. It is with us as well. Probably with alot of people. You just sound like the best MOM ever. You always put those boys first. (((((HUGS))))))

hello gorgeous said...

sometimes events make you see things so much clearer...having had to deal with certain events over the last few years it's definitely a place I YEARN for now, everyday...but will not see for a good few years yet, as the kids are teenagers and the disruption to them would be too much to handle just now, but it is a plan for the future...my heart struggles to deal with that everyday...but I know it will happen.

I hope you take the next few months to put plans in action...some decisions finalised, houses hunted and moves set...there is NO POINT in wasting time....if it's the lifestyle you want, THEN GO FOR IT! NO REGRETS!

hugs

hello gorgeous xxx

Twiggy said...

What a lovely post. Although, we've been together for the Summer it was because Mr Twigs has been recovering. However, it has been lovely. Could you possibly live the life you want full time. Buy yourself a journal and get planning - it's good to have a dream.
twiggy x

Pene said...

Suzie sounds like you've had the most wonderful summer, as someone who lives in a quiet village by the sea I know how calming it can be. I used to work in Glasgow with all the bustle and stress but the best bit of the day was when I drove home, just as I drove over the hill and caught a glimpse of the sea!!
Big hugs to you and Rosie
Pene xx

French Knots said...

Oh Suzie, life can be too stressful. You sound like you've had a wonderful summer by the sea, keep dreaming and planning who knows where they might lead xx French Knots

lazylol said...

Sounds like you've had a fabulous summer. It is so nice to have some time to think and plan. I hope you can find some solutions to your money problems. I always feel like selling up and living a simple life by the sea. If only it was that easy.