Coming to an end...

The summer break is coming to an end and my heart is heavy, oh so heavy. Its been a time of huge highs and quite deep lows. My children have given beautiful joy and light into my world at every turn. How lucky I have been to have such a special friend who has allowed my little family the use of their beach retreat for the whole of the holidays. It was the most painful loss to me when through my divorce the children lost their much loved caravan by the sea. Its not the caravan that we morn, it was the way of life, their friends, safety, confidence, fun and of course beach time all centered around this place and for my youngest it was all he had known. Of all the loss this was the hardest because I am reminded of it daily as my children struggle to comprehend why it went. Their loss was eased by a new place, a new beach to discover and new friends to make. Indeed, it has been a fabulous summer for them with lots of new and exciting things experienced and of course some very crucial down time, or as my children say 'Chillax time'.
I drove home for the day and as I battled my way through rain, traffic, motorways and then once home I headed off to the local supermarket I felt my stress levels heighten. With the boys out on playdates I stole a moment whilst I battled through the pile of washing and gave this emotion some thought, literally whilst sat on the kitchen floor folding laundry. I have just spent seven weeks on an island, living with the basics and in a small space, my garden has been a field and my horizon has been the sea, eating outdoors most meal times, shopping for food in local stores, making small talk with locals, driving around country roads which involved lots of reversing if on the odd time you meet another car! Not wearing a watch and listening to my own body clock, my natural rhythm, for the first time in three years I have slept through the night without waking to my head whirling through things I have done and yet to do. I have been a better mother, laughing instead of crying and once again I have seen the beauty in all the things around me. I laughed as my new hand cream did indeed make me feel happier... the small things that when rushing at living you just don't notice. Yes seven weeks of bliss, making new friends and rediscovering that my creativity was stirring in me again with pleasure.

So then I return and I look at my life, my home which know feels soulless, worrying about the future, with the bill of the divorce to pay I am now unable to meet the payment for my college course yet alone pay for the washing machine which has finally given up the battle to keep going.

So many things to think about and my eldest son points out that the changes in me by coming home. Is this really the place I want to be in, surrounded by the painful memories of my old life.

To big a question to deal with just know... so with five days left of the holidays before the new school year starts and the clock watching begins I have arranged a friend of look after the house and the boys, our pup, the guinea pig and me are packing off to our island life again...

You cant beat a little escapism...